By now we’ve all heard about the marital woes between Sandra Bullock and Jesse James, the latest Hollywood couple to go up in flames in an epic cheating scandal of Tiger Woods proportions. Beyond taking the focus off of Tiger — who I hope sent Jesse a thank-you note — this scandal features another celebrity who, like Tiger, tried to pin his sluttiness on a sex addiction, one he received treatment for at a rehab center, instead of acknowledging the more obvious cause of his problems: being an asshole.
It’s as though no one in Hollywood can admit to acting stupid anymore without pointing to some addiction or disease as an explanation, essentially absolving them of having to assume any responsibility for their bad behavior while also denigrating people who, you know, struggle with actual addictions and diseases. In addition to Tiger and Jesse, David Duchovny, Russell Brand and Eric Benet (Halle Berry’s ex) have also been treated for their crippling inability to control their wild penises. And I’m sure after they left rehab, none of them ever had sex again. After all, recovering addicts are never allowed to use drugs or alcohol again. Just take it one blue ball at a time, guys.
But before we cart Jesse off to a 12-step program for his “sickness,” let’s not forget the long history of questionable sexual decisions made by our tattooed motorcycle rebel without a cause. Jesse used to be married to a porn star (Janine Lindemulder), who is reportedly living in a halfway house after serving time for tax evasion; the two have a child together who has been the subject of a long-standing custody battle. James also has two older kids by first wife Karla James, whom he was rumored to have cheated on with said porn star, the same porn star he was still married to when he met America’s Sweetheart in 2004.
Call me crazy, but these facts seem to paint a portrait of a man who has always followed his impulses and put his penis wherever he wants. Where I’m from we call that an asshole, not an addict. And, like Tiger, the fact that Jesse sought out trashy women to cheat with while his angel-faced wifey waited at home not only amounts to bad PR for the star, who paints himself as a hard-working family man, but also suggests a serious Madonna-whore complex.
Meanwhile, Saint Sandy scored a PR victory by indulging in a very different Hollywood trend — adopting an ethnic baby — whom she showcased on this week’s cover of People magazine. In her break-the-silence first interview, Sandy tactfully discusses her heartache over losing her marriage and how she plans to raise the soon-to-be spoiled tot as a single mother. The brilliant bait and switch proves that America’s Sweetheart is a masterful media manipulator who understands the heart-melting power a chubby-cheeked newborn can inject into a sex scandal. The move also served to cement her status as an Admirable Celebrity while relegating Jesse deeper into the Douchebag Hall of Fame.
But don’t feel bad for Jesse. Though he’s probably very sad that Sandy is about to become his third ex-wife, I’m sure he’ll find comfort in the tattooed arms of some stripper or porn star who, if history is any indication, could become his next wife. Of course, he’ll have to finish his parade of repentance first, the same tour Tiger just endured, before the public loses its collective memory, forgives his transgressions and accepts another dreadful season of Monster Garage.
In the meantime, we can gawk at Sandy’s cute little baby and take bets on who the next Hollywood man to fall victim to sexual addiction will be. (My guess is John Mayer.)
If you know someone who needs help for sex addiction, searching for reviews of the Sexual Recovery program at The Ranch might help to get you started.