There are plenty of reasons to hate Sarah Palin: She’s hokey, inarticulate, whiny, incurious and provincial — a quitter who’s prone to blaming others for her own missteps. Hating Sarah has become a national pastime akin to any other sport that keeps score and revels in recounting the bad plays of the game.
We’ve seen these plays televised in perfectly packaged soundbytes we’ve all learned by heart — from “I can see Russia from my house” to “I read all of them” to “you betchya!” — Sarah was a bumbling trainwreck loathed by many, revered by some and loved especially by me.
And if there’s one thing I love more than train wrecks, it’s cocky train wrecks without a shred of self-awareness and with self-confidence disproportionate to their abilities, both of which Sarah possesses. She is the Paris Hilton of politics, known more for her notoriety than her skills, and like Paris, she’s fame-hungry to the core. Add to that her propensity toward getting flustered and uttering something stupid at critical moments and you have all the reasons that make Sarah Palin as captivating as a car accident that’s worth rubbernecking for.
Sarah was the perpetual car accident of the 2008 election season, with each interview and public appearance adding yet another car to the endless pileup. Casualties included John McCain’s chance at the presidency and “the great state of Alaska’s” chance to be seen as a normal place to be from. Sarah ruined them all with an inverse Midas touch that was nothing short of magic.
Now she has a new memoir to promote — Going Rogue: An American Life — meaning airtime galore for Sarah to be her lovable, nonsensical self. First stop on the self-aggrandizing tour was The Oprah Winfrey Show, where Sarah continued pushing the notion that she’s a misunderstood soul with Mensa-level intelligence who’s been unfairly portrayed by the “liberal elites” as a country bumpkin unfit for public office. You go, girl!
The interview showcased Sarah in all her self-sainting glory, like when she claimed to not like “the drama” when discussing the epic grandbaby daddy drama that is Levi Johnston, who is apparently still “loved” by the Palin clan despite his move to do “porn” by posing (NOT in the nude) in Playgirl magazine. Never one for introspection, Sarah went on to claim that her love of journaling and journalism motivated her to write the book (with a ghostwriter) — as though a six-figure paycheck were not enough.
Reports of the book also characterize it as classic Sarah: full of delusions that have no basis in reality, like her allegation that newscaster and “badgerer” Katie Couric had “low self-esteem,” which is why Sarah pitied her with an interview. There’s also plenty of mudslinging directed at McCain campaign handlers, who plucked Sarah out of a frozen tundra and put her on a national stage for the rest of us to gawk at. One would think a simple “thanks for making me rich and famous” would suffice, but our Sarah is like a defiant toddler who needs to prove she could have done it on her own, so she offers tantrums instead with the hope of “setting the record straight.”
So I will thank them instead: Thanks, McCainers, for bringing the wondrous, captivating and endlessly entertaining Sarah Palin into my life. Her special brand of political crazy had me the moment she made the “lipstick on a pitbull” joke at the Republican convention. I knew then she was a contender for Crazy Pants of the Whole Damn World (though I think the dictionary calls it “narcissism”).
And, Sarah, if this Web site is lucky enough to be on your “all of them” reading list, please know that I am totally sincere when I say that I hope you run for president in 2012. (And who are we kidding — of course you’ll run!) Sure, I’d rather be shot at from a helicopter than vote for you, but I need the laughter you bring into my life — and especially the laughter brought by the Tina Fey impersonation of you on ‘Saturday Night Live’. I know I speak for every citizen in the country when I say I miss those very much. Take one for the team, Sarah, ok? And please never ever change, because you’re perfect the way you are.
Forever your fan!
p.s. Please tell Todd to shave off that goatee. Also, tell Levi to give us some full frontal in that Playgirl spread. He is totally hot.
Milla Goldenberg is an L.A.-based writer and editor. Visit her blog @ MillaTimes.com, or send her hate mail @ MillaGoldenberg@aol.com.