‘New Moon’ Premiere Means ‘Twilight’ Lunacy About to Begin

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Brace yourselves, average citizens.

The super-popular ‘Twilight’ series of books by Stephenie Meyer spawned an ultra-popular movie. And it looks like the sequel to ‘Twilight,’ ‘New Moon,’ is going to be even more popular.

Online movie ticket retailer Fandango announced late Saturday that: “‘New Moon‘ has already leaped over previous record-holders to become the top-selling pre-release title in Fandango’s 10-year history.”

That means the movies’ pre-release popularity eclipses the likes of ‘Star Wars: Episode III-Revenge of the Sith’ (2005), ‘Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince’ (2009), ‘The Dark Knight’ (2008), and ‘New Moon’s’ progenitor, Twilight (2008)

Now, to be fair, Internet usage has continued to proliferate since those movies were released, thus there are more people online to use Fandango. Indeed, Fandango even has Apps for iPhone, BlackBerry, and Palm Pre, which puts pre-sales opportunities squarely into the palms of customers’ hands.

But even given the benefit of the doubt, ‘New Moon’ sales figures are pretty outstanding, Fandango says that ‘New Moon’ sales have accounted for 86% of the latest total weekly sales.

So . . .what does this mean to you and me, the average citizen? For one thing, it means you should familiarize yourself with the following terms, if you want to understand your female teenage acquaintances, the boys trying to impress them, and the bevvy of jokes about to be unleashed by Conan, Dave, Jimmy, the other Jimmy, Jay, SNL, etc.

What is the Twilight Series about?

It’s about vampires and a girl that becomes embroiled in their world. These are atypical vampires; they aren’t ugly (thus the appeal to teenage girls); they can go out during the daytime, and evidently they’re glittery.

What’s so special about this sequel?

Werewolves. Good looking, teenage werewolves.

Who are the stars?

Robert Pattinson, who plays the main sparkly vampire. He was reportedly driven by teenage fans to run somewhat recklessly, then grazed by a taxi. Kristen Stewart is the main protagonist/object of desire. Taylor Lautner (spoilers, for the people who somehow don’t know and yet they care) is the werewolf.

They are all young, exceedingly good looking, and doomed to grace magazine covers of the supermarket checkout aisle for several months, if not eternity.

I must know more! Mostly so I can make fun of it!

Ah, well you’ve come to the right place. Well, at least we’ll point you to the right place — these two web comics by Lucy Knisley will pretty much do the trick.

How can I avoid the madness?

Aside from leaving your television off and avoiding newsstands? Don’t go to the movies for at least, oh, the next six weeks. Or, if you do, make sure it’s an art house-type theater.

Of course, then you’ll have to watch an art house theater movie. Oh well.

How can I capitalize on the ‘New Moon’ madness?

Write an article for a Web site and watch the traffic flow in.

Or, on a more practical note, it should give you some gift ideas for the teen girl in your life. Whether it’s to contribute to her Twilight obsession in the form of a Christmas gift, or turn her onto the cherished vampire mythos of your youth (whether Buffy or Nosferatu), at least that door’s kind of open as well.

Final thoughts?

If we may editorialize for just a moment: it seems it’s the old folks, like us, that are truly scared by this new take on the horror genre.

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