Pastors Gone Wild! Crazies, Psychos and Pedophiles, Oh My!


I subscribe to a relatively simple view on religion: people should believe whatever they want as long as it doesn’t interfere with my life . . . and as long as no one gets hurt. Behind closed doors you can bow to your shrine of Britney Spears all you want. I just want no part in it.

There! Now that I’ve established that I’m so fair and unbiased, I can share my completely legitimate bitchfest of this past week. What the eff, Obama-Hating-Pastor guy? Way to make yourself Lindsay Lohan for the week and take over the news with your hot mess decisions! Basically, a church leader in Arizona went on the record, asking congregants to pray for the death of President Obama, and how can you not think it’s absolutely ridiculous?

Politics aside, this clown is a legitimate psycho. His mannerisms do not say “God’s buddy” to me and he’s more “hater” than “holy.” The fact that a person like this has ANY influence over his community makes me sick. Free speech is one thing, but bringing God and, therefore, your community influence into it is abhorrent. This guy isn’t just saying, “Oh, Obama’s not my kinda guy. I don’t like his politics.” He’s spitting venomous and vivid remarks like, “Why should Barack Obama melt like a snail?” and then proceeds to talk about abortion saying, “That’s how abortions are done, my friends. They use salt.” Thanks Bubba! I feel so enlightened. After watching numerous videos of this guy, it’s clear to see that he needs medical attention and padded walls. Perhaps he and Jeremiah Wright should start up a “We’re idiots who talk out of our respective asses” church. I’d definitely drop a dollar in that donation plate.

Just when I thought that I had processed all the divine drama I could muster, CNN hits me with another winner. Meet Mark Hourigan a.k.a. Pedophile Pastor (nearly as catchy as the classic “Chester the Molester””). Back in 1998, Hourigan sodomized and intimidated an 11-year-old boy but claims that he is completely reformed and now wants to spread the word of God. Umm, no thanks. There are a billion reasons why this is a bad idea. This is a pedophile trying to be a pastor. For starters, isn’t it usually the other way around?

And for those critics that claim sex offenders can reform themselves, I say they play a game called “Recovered sex offender spends a day alone with my kids.” What’s that I detect? Hesitation? Oh, so it’s only okay in theory…as long as it’s in someone else’s neighborhood…and it’s someone else’s child. The bottom line is that we can’t afford to place our unsupervised trust in a person who has raped or sexually assaulted a child once (which, remember, only means he was caught once).

My favorite part of the segment, was when CNN had people share their feelings about the issue on their official MySpace page (appropriate, since MySpace is home to many a pedophile). Along with the usual, “OmG LoL DoNnY + GInA = 4eVa LmfAo,” there were some intelligent comments thrown in. These included, “helllllll no” and “sex offenders will offend again.” Thank you, CNN, for your ground-breaking journalistic observations. It’s clearly not breaking news until you include MySpace commentary.

Look, I am sure that there are wonderful pastors out there who have morals and are great community leaders and my goal is not to trash anyone’s religion. I’m just concerned about the religious leaders that spew complete trash. Can you really blame me for not turning the other cheek?

Alisa Averbukh is a freelance writer on her way to NYC . . . eventually. Read more of her musings here.


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