Ellen DeGeneres is Idol’s New Judge . . . but, Oh, What Could Have Been

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So Ellen DeGeneres shocks the pop culture cognoscenti once again. The comedienne came out on the Oprah Winfrey show in the 1997 and this week officially erased Paula Abdul from the American Idol conversation.

“Guess what? Go ahead… nope… keep guessing… Okay, I’ll just tell you–I’m gonna be the new judge on American Idol!” tweets Portia DiRossi’s wife.

The selection of Ellen isn’t the worse choice in the world, but we’re hardly falling out of our chairs at the news. Sure Ellen is edgy and moderately funny (especially her dancing), but she’s soooo yesterday. And what does she know about music? Paula at least had a few radio hits, one of which with noted feline rapper, MC Scat Cat.

So good luck Ellen. We doubt she will make it past one season, but she’s proven the world wrong before, so who knows.

In the meantime, we can’t help but wonder about what could have been.

Here are Osmosis Online’s Top 5 Better-than-Ellen Picks to replace Paula Abdul:

5. Sarah Palin

Caribou Barbie’s already a Fox News cable darling, why not cross over to the network? The hot mess that is Palin would have brought Super Bowl-like ratings to the show. She probably wouldn’t have been a big fan of Adam Lambert’s (think about it), but you just know she would have doted over the baby-faced boy-next-door Kris Allen. And if she could rail against upstart singers like she skewers community activists, she might surpass Simon Cowell on the cruelness meter.

4. Adam Lambert

Speaking of Lambert, why not bring the uncrowned winner of the 2009 season back for a weekly ratings pop? His eyeliner and sense of fashion are far more interesting than Ellen’s yellow mansuits and he could use the show to promote his new album. Besides, Idol owes this guy. What kind of guilt must producers have knowing that Taylor Hicks can call himself an Idol winner, but the wickedly talented Lambert is a runner-up?

3. Sarah Silverman

You want comedy, then go for it. Silverman’s brutal honesty and dark humor would make Simon blush. For the most part, Ellen’s pretty vanilla; her comedy’s fairly safe. Silverman would have the contestants seeking therapy by the end of week one. Isn’t primetime ready for Silverman’s jokes?: “I was raped by a doctor… Which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.”

2. Bill Clinton

Who knows how to spot young talent better than Bill Clinton? The would-be First Husband is skilled at how to stump for candidates and we firmly believe he would have been a huge advocate for, at the very least, the female contestants during Hollywood week. With his wife traveling the country the impeached president probably needs something to keep him busy anyway.

1. Glenn Beck

The hottest brand in America might alone be enough to drive Simon off the show forever. Barney Rubble has shown an ability to sink people he doesn’t like (Van Jones). He says controversial things like suggesting the president is a racist. And with his flag-waving, populist, patriotic politics, what better a show to pontificate on than American Idol?

Beck’s a proud member of “The Fox Nation,” so it all seems like a good fit.

Simon needs a little competition anyway. Poor Paula fought unsuccessfully to keep her spot after Fox brought in Kara DioGuardi, but all Simon has to put up with is the dopey Randy Jackson, whose about as biting as one of those wrinkly-faced, panting pugs waddling around at your local dog park.

Prediction: After one season of seclusion, Abdul will get her old job back and return for the 10th and final season of American Idol. Everybody’s happy, the show comes full circle, and Ellen, Paula and MC Scat Cat embrace to end the show’s amazing run.

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